How much juice can a juicer juice?

Ok, so if you're friends with me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen some or all of my recent posts about making a change after watching multiple documentaries on Netflix. The ones that I watched were "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead", "FoodMatters", "Hungry For Change", "Forks Over Knives" and "Vegucated". I've watched all of these in the last three days after being completely frustrated with clothes not fitting and getting yet another virus. I have looked back over other things that I have tried and decided just cutting back clearly wasn't an option. I needed to completely clear out my refrigerator and cupboard so there isn't even an option of eating other things or cheating.

I, in no way, think this is going to be easy. I am a food addict. I eat when I'm bored, depressed, anxious, PMSing, to be social,  etc. I spend most of the day thinking about food. What I want to eat, what I actually have in the house to eat, what I can have without having to cook, what I want to get when I go shopping, what I know I should eat. I needed to see the stuff in those documentaries to shock me into wanting to change. I don't feel like I'm going into this on a whim like I have other things. I have researched juice fasting online and will be consulting my doctor to make sure he thinks it's safe for longer than just a few days. Just like any other addict, I know I'm going to go through withdrawals and a detox period. From what I understand as the fat cells detox, you can sometimes go through things in reverse. I may feel effects of medications that have been stored up,toxins from over processed foods, skin breakouts, irritability, low energy, headaches, cravings, fever, cold symptoms. Sounds like fun huh? They say it happens for 3-5 days depending on how much stuff needs to come out. I'm guessing I'll be closer to the 5 days. I haven't exactly put good things into my body. If I had, I wouldn't be where I am. So, while it's gonna suck to start, I know I'll feel better after. I'm hoping to loose weight, stop having to take an iron pill, get off my cholesterol medication and have more energy.

Several times, Aaron talked about wanting to go vegitarian in hopes of reversing his cancer growth. During and after watching the documentaries, where people have prevented and reversed cancer and other major health issues,I couldn't help but think I should have done it then! Maybe if I had made the change then, I'd still have Aaron. I should have gotten over my fear of change and just done it! But, as my friend Karen always tells me, "Don't should yourself to death". It's true. I can only handle so much at once. I think with everything else I've had going on in the last few years, if I would have made this big of a change on top of that, it probably would have pushed me over the edge.

Oh, Have I mentioned that I hate vegetables? Haha.Yep. My idea of eating vegetables is having tomato sauce and mushrooms on my pizza. So, Here I go! Since I don't have anyone doing this with me, I plan on blogging. not so much to get pats on the back, although encouragement is awesome, but to be accountable to someone. I hate disappointing people,so if I've talked all this up and made it so public, I'm less likely to cave and quit. I know I want to juice fast for at least two weeks, with the Dr's ok I'd like to go for a month. After that I want to try the vegan lifestyle. I'm sure I'll have to re watch some of those documentaries to remind myself why I'm doing this when things get really hard. But for now, I'm determined and motivated. So let the detox begin!

Remind me who I am

Yesterday I got home from my church women's retreat.  It was awesome. A weekend of 29 women sharing and bonding with eachother while learning/remembering who God says we are. The theme was "Remind me who I am" and was based off this song and video by Jason Gray.

Throughout Friday night and all day Saturday, we wrote our labels on pieces of cardboard and put them in a bag where they were taken and hung on the windows. No one knew who put what into the bag. I think Christians are held to higher standards or thought of as having it all together by others. Guess what, we're just as messed up. The things that were written on those signs were heartbreaking. How could we have such labels on ourselves. Not worthy, abandoned, adulterer, addict, disgusting, undesirable, lost, alone, unknown, outsider.....  It was so sad so sit and look at all the horrible things we call ourselves. Whether the labels are put on us by ourselves, others or circumstances beyond out control, we take these on as truths and carry them around with us. On Friday night I spoke along with three others. It was a weekend of vulnerability, trust, relating and learning the truth.

I've always been very open on here and know that is a risk, but I think the benefits far outweigh those risks. Here is what I wrote and said Friday night when I talked:
       

"When I was asked to talk about a label that I had, I really didn’t know which one to pick. I have had many in the 32 years I’ve been alive. I think the labels that I’ve put on myself or assume others have put on me, are worse than what others have actually put on me. Until I married Aaron, I had gone to the same church all my life and I was Ruth and Allan’s daughter. Then I got married and Aaron got sick. Aaron was in the media and had been on stage so much that I became Aaron’s wife. I also gained the label caregiver. Those weren’t bad labels. But during that time I was also labeling myself. Fat, I have always battled weight. I can’t think of an age that I was ever small or average. Lazy, I was the woman of the house and should have been able to maintain a pristine house keeping up with laundry and dishes and get dinner on the table by 6 every night as well as take care of Aaron and meet all his needs. Never mind that my anxiety was worse than ever and my husband was dying. That in itself was draining me more than anything.

After Aaron passed, I became Aaron’s widow. This was a hard one for me. There aren’t many widows my age and none that I knew. I didn’t know what the protocol of being a widow was. It was like being sent into a maze blindfolded. No one told me that if I did certain things there may be land mines. Unfortunately labels can come with expectations. I felt Aaron and I had dealt with so much beforehand and had an opportunity to grieve together, so I didn’t feel that tremendous sorrow that was expected by some. I felt relief that he wasn’t in pain anymore, also that I didn’t have to stress or worry about every move he made wondering if he was going to fall or get injured. I felt hope that I would see him again in heaven and I knew this was not the end. Well, Relief and hope are not what people think of when they think widow, so that left me feeling like a failure cause I wasn’t grieving correctly. So many labels can come without the situation or the person being fully understood. I’m guilty of thinking things or assuming things and labeling them without all the facts. Most people are. Although after being the one labeled, I do it less now.

So with all those labels in my past and some still applying, the main label that seems to be the umbrella to all the others is who am I? I’m unknown. Who is Kristin? True I am still Ruth and Allen’s daughter, I’m still Aaron’s widow, I still have days, even weeks where I feel that I am fat and lazy and assume others do as well. All those things are not WHO I am though. Whether they be true or not, those things are the WHAT, not the WHO. God has amazing timing because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where to start to find me. There’s no map that says “you are here”. I do know that I haven’t been through everything I’ve been through for nothing. There’s a reason. I have definitely grown and changed a huge amount in the last 4 years. Again I can pinpoint WHAT I have become, but where do those things work into WHO I am? It’s difficult to find yourself. I know I’m God’s child, but how does that apply to me specifically. I don’t often feel like that defines me. People who are not Christians and even some Christians assume that cause you are a believer, you must have everything together. I am far from that. Most days the only thing I have put together is my outfit and even that’s sketchy some days.

I think in analogies a lot. So I hope I don’t lose anyone here. It’s like I’m staring at a puzzle. I have the edges put together for a foundation, but I still have 1500 pieces scattered all over and have no idea what the picture is that I’m supposed to be putting together. Some days I just sit and stare at the pieces, some days I wanna just flip the table and say heck with it! Patience is not something I excel in. And it’s definitely something I’ve learned not to pray for. Frequently, I just have to get up and walk away from the puzzle. Some days I feel like Satan is sitting there handing me pieces, saying “no trust me it will fit. Just push harder.” They don’t fit. They didn’t even come in this box! But I sit there and try to push them in with the other pieces like it belongs. I need to stop and look at who’s giving me the piece before I get overwhelmed and give up all together. While I may not know where all the pieces go, I’m hoping that somehow, be it this weekend, scripture, a word from someone, I’ll at least start to see the picture on the lid. Something that gives me hope that who I am is more than just 2000 pieces scattered all over. But as for right now, that’s who I am. The definition of Kristin as an individual is still unknown"

Friday night the women that spoke about their labels all left the end open. Unresolved. Still carrying those labels. On Saturday we started to learn about the truth. Romans 12:2- Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. That is what we all need to do. Renew our minds. Take out all the lies we have been told by the devil and fill those places with the truth of God. There is no label we can take on ourselves that hasn't been around since the beginning of time. No label that can't be changed. No label that is too bad for Him to call us Beloved. 

1 Peter 2:9- But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 

1 John 3:1- See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 

The definition of Lavish is : expending or bestowing profusely, expended or produced in abundance,
marked by profusion or excess. The origin of the word is Middle English laves, lavage, probably from Middle French lavasse, lavache downpour of rain, from laver to wash. 

That means that not only does God love us (ALL of us, not just "Christians"), but by lavishing us in his love he is giving it in excess, abundance, profusely! We are being washes by a downpour of his love. Drenched. And that love that he lavishes on us in Unfailing (Psalms 13:5). 

While we were sitting listening to the speaker Saturday night, learning all these things in the verses I posted above, something awesome happened. Something that gave me chills as well as a great feeling of just how powerful God is. As we were all sitting there, 29  of us saw it happen, the cardboard signs we had written our labels on started to fall off the window. It wasn't all of them at once, but one at a time they just dropped to the floor. I'm sure skeptics would say that it was moisture on the window, or the sign was too heavy for the tape, but we all knew that it was no coincidence. God was physically showing us that those labels were being stripped away. By the end of the night 10 labels had fallen. 

When we got up Sunday morning, all our labels had been turned over and read "Beloved". (That we do know was done by one of the organizers of the retreat.) That is the truth of what God tells us. We are not all those things that we had written down. The Bible tells us that we are Sons (and daughters) of God, adopted in, children of God, heirs of God and coheirs with Christ! We are reconciled to God, Ambassadors for Christ, Righteousness of God in Him. We are a new image. We are chosen, a Royal priesthood, a people for God's possession. 

Those labels blow my mind. I know that in no way am I worthy of any of those. I am human. I screw up. Sometimes big time! But because Jesus came, took on all the sin of the world and was crucified, God doesn't see any my junk. Instead all he sees is the blood of Jesus covering me. Giving me the opportunity to take on all the labels that he gives us to cover up all the ones we have from the world. All I have to do is believe and accept that gift. Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we have victory over death giving us eternal life in heaven. 

All of that is amazing!! Of course if wouldn't be a women's retreat without fun and games as well. Saturday afternoon/night we had many things to choose from. There was a spa set up with facials, we decorated mugs with Sharpie and baked them, made chapstick, painted nails, did puzzles, made decorative pennants that said "Spring" and of course snacked!

                                                             Mmmmm.....snacks.

                            This is my polish. there were two other baskets with others in them.

                                                   The mug that says Beloved is mine.


This was an amazing weekend. While I missed my own bed and my pup, I learned so much, was refreshed and created stronger bonds with the women of my church. Lots of tears, lots of laughs and lots of memories. Can't wait for next year!

 

The Dating Game

Sometimes having emotions sucks. That being said, I wouldn't change how I approach relationships emotionally. I put myself out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have. The way I look at it is you have to offer what you hope to receive. If I want someone to invest themselves 100% in me, it doesn't seem fair to only offer 50% or 75%. Of course that does lead to a lot more hurt.

I don't know how many people know this about me, I'm guessing not a lot, but Aaron was my first actual relationship. Of course there were tons of crushes and the Middle school “going out” where you meet at the locker on break or lunch. But I didn't date. I always figured dating is for the purpose of finding someone to marry, and since I wasn't ready to get married, why go through the heartache? I was sufficiently breaking my own heart with crushes, I didn't need to let a guy do it too. I'm guessing most of you DO know how fast Aaron and I started dating, got engaged and married. From first date to getting engaged was 5 weeks. Engagement was about 6 months. 8 months total. However, that is not the case with most relationships, so getting back into the dating scene is a bit tricky. I don't do the bar thing and to say there are slim pickin's for single guys (my age) in my church would be a generous estimate, so I've mostly looked online. Let me tell you, THAT is a craps shoot. So after several coffee dates that left everything to be desired ( including one who thought I would be impressed that he still made it to church even though he had to hitch hike, drunk, from Cougar Hot Springs to get there.) I was ecstatic to find a guy that not only had a job, car and his own teeth, but we really got along! And he was super good looking! No awkward silences, lots of laughing, we both love our dogs, enjoy football and movies and had the same beliefs. It was like I was having coffee with my best friend! To top it off, he knew what I had gone through taking care of a loved one with cancer as his daughter is a survivor.

We hung out for about 2 months before we were “boyfriend/Girlfriend”. But during that time, I was already becoming emotionally invested. After 3 months of dating, this last week, we went back to just friends. We're still great friends. In fact I'd say best friends. We both know that the other is there for us for anything, anytime and we still spend time together. But it still sucks.

Every relationship is a risk. You're never going to find the love you desire if you don't put yourself out there for others to see. Unfortunately, being out there is risky. You can put all your best qualities out there on display and there is a very good possibility that they will be rejected or told they're just not quite what the person was looking for. If you read my stuff regularly, you know I think a lot in analogy. I picture a garage sale. You have everything out. Somethings like new, some used, some should probably just be thrown away or donated but you hope someone will still want them. People will come and wander through, looking then leave. Some will want back story on an item before they decide. Some will want to compromise on what you're willing to take. Sometimes you even get the person that picks up one of the nicer things and you rush over and tell them, “I'm sorry, that's not available. I don't know how it got out there”, only to put it back once they're gone. What you really want is for that perfect person to come up, look through everything and say “I'll take it all”.

Now I find myself in a stand still. There are still so many emotions, feelings, memories and hopes for the relationship that's over. While I will continue to look, I can't help but hope that through staying friends, something might come of it in the future. I just can't bring myself to completely let go of something that was so great, even if it was only from my side. In his defense, he was always up front with me about his feelings, I just chose to ignore reality and continue believing it could be more if he just gave it more time. It was because he cares about me and saw that I was getting more invested that he brought up the issue before it went further. I respect him greatly for that because I know it wasn't easy for him. And it's because I care for him so much that I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. He has and continues to give me motivation, encouragement, support and something to look forward to. Not many guys would be comfortable or willing to spend the day with a girl on the one year anniversary of her husbands death while she talks about memories and cries. He gave up his day to make sure I had everything I needed to get through that emotionally draining day. Not only that, but he looked at my Facebook first to see what he was walking into when he got here (which I don't blame him) and came to the door with coffee and a hug. Seriously, even after a breakup, how can I not love that guy.

So I guess what it comes down to is, I'd rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over to find complete, true love than be guarded and settle for mediocre love because that's all I'm willing to put out there. What now? Good question.

Fault Lines Ahead

I am part of a women's Bible study that meets once a week. This week's reading was so wonderfully timed! The book we are going through is called Having a Mary Spirit, Allowing God to change us from the inside out By Joanna Weaver. I'm adding this in because I may quote things from the book.

This week the chapter" Fault Lines". Those little places in our life, ways of thinking or situations that have a way of getting to our weak spots. Our  Achilles's heal. Reading this chapter, I have so many thoughts running through my head, I don't know where to start, so if this seems a bit jumbled, sorry.

What immediately came to mind was the picture of cracked pavement. I have a friend with a cracked patio. There is one crack in a large slab of cement. The rest of that patio is solid. You could throw anything at it and it wouldn't get through. In fact depending on what you dropped or threw, it would probably damage that item instead. But in this large solid, impenetrable surface is this crack. If something was to get into that crack and settle, or start to grow, after time that vulnerable spot would get larger, the foundation underneath would be effected and weakened by whatever was growing or multiplying underneath and eventually the whole slab of what was once a solid surface is compromised.

 This happens in out life as well. You can be completely solid, have a firm foundation and be capable of taking whatever is thrown at you! But there's that fault line. That place where evil can get in and use something to start the breakdown of your foundation. It would be a comment by someone that strikes one of your insecurities, it could be the lack of an acknowledgement from someone that makes you think you're insignificant. The author put it very well when she said, "These are the very places Satan searches for when he prowls around "like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8) Because when the enemy can't storm the gate of our salvation, he looks for a break in the wall, even the tiniest crack. A weak spot he can exploit." I also believe that evil can not only attack us, but through that attack, block something that may bring someone closer to God.  But I'll get to that later.

Back to the cement. In doing research on what to do with the crack in the patio, my friend was told by a professional, that the crack could be patched. If it was cleaned out and filled with a calk like material, it would prevent things from getting in and compromising the rest of the cement. We need to let God to be that calking! That material that is soft and pliable, that doesn't hurt the surrounding area, but fills and protects that fault line that may otherwise fill with weeds or termites. I think so many times we try to fix things ourselves only to come up with something that resembles something Macgyver would come up with instead of letting the professional handle it. We have our duct tape, paperclips, rope, bubble gum, whatever we can find. Of course there are no instructions or experience. But we got this!! As I would say as a child, and still struggle with mentally, is "self do it!" No help needed here. Lean the "men at work" sign against the garbage can and I'm ready to go. The whole time we are slaving over that fault line, chewing up the gum to stick in the crack, perhaps placing the paperclips in the crack to give it some form of structure in the soft gum mess and of course covering it all in a healthy amount of duct tape, God is standing on the side with a single calking gun just waiting for us to turn it over to him. You would think by now that we would know that he can do a better fix and in half the time. We just have to let him.

So, I made the statement that I believe that evil can not only attack us, but through that attack, block something that may bring someone closer to God. The experience I've had with this was a physical one. Not too many people have heard this story, but around 2000 is when I started playing the guitar. I met our pastor and some others at our church once a week for a lesson/jam session as well as teaching myself at home. I really felt like I was supposed to use this talent for God. I was talking to my friend one Sunday who happened to be the one in charge of the youth at the time and found out they wanted to start doing middle school worship on Sunday mornings separate from the high school, but didn't have anyone to lead. I thought, well, that's an open door from God if I ever saw one! So I said I'd do it. That following week, before I was ever able to lead worship, both my wrists were in extreme pain. I couldn't work, I couldn't put any pressure on my hands, I couldn't hold anything or do anything without pain. I went to the doctor, had x-rays, they sent me to a specialist and the only diagnosis they could come up with was severe rheumatoid arthritis in both my wrists. I was 20 year old. I was in wrist braces for two weeks. So on Sunday morning, I was sitting in the middle school room with both my braces on, unable to play guitar. The leader asked if they could pray for me and I said yes. Then all the kids got up, surrounded me, laying hands on me and prayed. Laying hands on someone was not something out church really did, so it was kind of unexpected. After that I went home. Nothing had changed instantly. But, the next day there was less pain and the next even less. By Wednesday I was out of the braces and fully functional. That following Sunday I was able to play guitar for worship and have never had an issue with my wrists or hands since. So it clearly wasn't rheumatoid arthritis. I completely and absolutely believe that was an attempt from Satan to block me from being used by God. If I couldn't play guitar to lead worship, I was one less tool God had to reach those kids. If someone was given a Bible, then something happened to prevent that person from having regular communication with the person who gave it to them, there are fewer opportunities for discussions. If he can make us question our beliefs, then we pull away from God. Being ashamed, blaming others, the need for approval, feeling inadequate. Satan will use whatever weakness he can find to hopefully undermine and destroy us, our relationship with God and in turn disrupt the Church.

While I know that Satan looks for those fault lines to get to us, I believe that God can show us where they are and so we can let him fix them before they become an issue. I'm not saying it's always easier that way, but the outcome is definitely better and the process is usually shorter, if we listen. Usually trials we go through are a way God points out the fault lines. I imagine trying to find a pinhole in an inertube. You know something's not quite right, cause it's leaking air and going flat, but the spot of origin has yet to be found. So, what do you do? You douse the tube in soapy water and after everything settles and rolls off, you look for the little bubbles. Sometimes I feel like God has to throw us into the depths of the soapy water so we can see that there is a leak that needs to be fixed. Once we see where the leak is, hopefully we have put Macgyver away and we can let God fix it.

When I'm in the midst of that soapy water gasping for air, this is the last thing I want to be told, but looking back after the fact it is ALWAYS true. " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 .

I know this has gotten a bit long, but I promise I'm almost done. The group Casting Crowns has an amazing song called The Voice Of Truth.  This is a video I found and wanted to share. They lyrics are amazing. So when you sense something starting to gnaw at you think about it, pray about it and see if maybe it's a fault line that needs to be fixed before you're shaken to the core.

 

Fair Catch in the Friend Zone. Take a knee.

This isn't going to be a deep or thought provoking post. In fact it may come across shallow. Who knows.

I have always gotten along with guys better than girls. Of course I had a lot of female friends in high school, but it's easier for me to be friends with a guy. They're less complicated, not as many (if any) head games. They're not going to go gossip to their friends about things I've told them. I enjoy football, wrestling, video games and action flicks just like they do. And, they give good hugs.

That being said, I have often been so compatible that I get put in the Friend Zone. Never to be thought of as anything but one of the guys. I'm sitting here watching the Duck game as I write this and watching the puts and returns, I'm seeing similarities. The teams kicker backs up, runs at the ball and sends it off to the other team with everything he's got and hopes for a return! They want that ball to come back at them in hot pursuit signaling "Game On"! I can relate to that in life. (ok maybe there's a small attempt to get deep in thought) Many times I've backed up, composed myself then thrown out everything, all my emotions, to a guy and hoped for a return. I think, come on, I put the ball in motion! Run with it!  When you watch football, you can see the defensive line set and ready for what comes back. They're amped and excited. Ready to go! So imagine the disappointment when they send that ball off only to have the other team receive it and take a knee in the end zone. No return. No pursuit. Just the defensive line trying to stop the momentum they've built. Yep. Think that analogy is pretty self explanatory. You just want someone to come back to you with the same excitement that you had giving them the ball. Too bad in relationships you can't blame anyone but yourself for pass interference.

Having been put in the friend zone by everyone up till Aaron, I dread the thought of being out there again. I don't want to just be that safe zone. I don't NEED to be in a relationship to feel complete. That's not the issue. I am my own complete person. I'm perfectly fine being single. However, after being married, I do know that is something God has designed me to be. I miss being and want to be someone's supporter, encourager and partner. I don't want someone to change everything and give up their life. I want them to let me join them. I want a reason to get all done up.

So why is it so easy to get put in the friend zone and nearly impossible to get out. Someone replaced the turf with quicksand. The harder you try, the more buried you get. I'm sure some of my friends know what I mean.

Thanks for reading lol.

Yokes aren't always in eggs

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about my future, getting back into the dating scene, hopefully getting married again someday. It made me start to think, what makes a good relationship/marriage. First off, I know it starts with having the same foundation. Having a relationship with God. Being evenly Yoked. I know that loving God and wanting to please him is important. It is from that foundation that you are able to love your partner how you should. In 4 1/2 years of marriage, Aaron and I never had one fight. Perhaps it was because there were so many larger things going on that the things we could fight over seemed insignificant and not worth the argument. I also believe it is because we always put the other before ourselves. If you're focused on putting your partner first and showing them love, you don't have time to think about the little things that annoy you or are petty. Of course putting your partner first has to be something you choose to do on a daily basis. The moment you no longer WANT to do it, but continue to do it, you can start to develop bitterness and animosity toward the other person. Also if you're on the receiving end, it's important to acknowledge the effort your partner is putting into the relationship. Let them know that you appreciate what they do. It shouldn't be something that comes to be expected, but always appreciated. I know nothing makes me want to drop everything I've been doing and quit more than a statement about the words, "how come you didn't......" or "I thought you would have (blank) by now" or "are you ever going to....". Making someone feel inadequate is not the way to motivate. Chances are if you show appreciation and compliment, you'll get they will want to do more. Nothing made me happier than knowing something I did put a smile on Aaron's face.

I know a lot of women have an issue with the word submit when it comes to vows. For me to submit doesn't mean I'm being controlled. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm fairly independent, will not be talked down to, and will not be controlled. Marriage/a relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. So heads up guys, I will tell you no and expect you to accept it lol. However, I do think the man should be head of the household. I think it is important for the woman to respect her man and out of love, submit to him as you would to God. I think it's important for a couple to talk things out and a woman should definitely have a say in what happens. Submitting doesn't mean you walk around saying, "yes sir" and "no sir". It means that you trust the person you're with and know that whatever decision is made that you know he has yours and his best interest in mind and you're trusting God that it's the right decision. So yes, even though I can hold my own and am perfectly comfortable saying no, I will submit because I believe that's what God asks us to do, just like he asks the men to Love their wives as Christ loved the church. Either way you look at it, you're right back to putting the other before yourself.

I love how The Message words 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
 Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end.

I believe if you base a relationship on that and never stray from God's words he will bless the relationship.

Everything's better with Xanex....almost

Well, it's been a while since I wrote one of these things, but I thought I should catch people up. Last week and this week have been quite a challenge in the anxiety/depression realm. I had a family that I was very close to make a short notice move to Florida to take care of family there. It was really hard for me to say goodbye. No only was I loosing friends, in the sense of being able to see each other, but I felt like it was just one more connection with Aaron that was leaving. I got to know them through Aaron. We spent many evenings at their house watching wrestling, Duck football, movies, enjoying banter and talking about serious stuff. I know Aaron had many talks with Bob about me and my future after he passed away. They really became part of our family. An additional Brother, sister, niece and nephew. So it was hard to help them pack and clean, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see them anytime in the foreseeable future. I did get to keep a bit of the family here by taking in their 11 year old Beagle/Bassett mix Buster, who was too old to make the trek in the moving van. I love having him. Even when he dumps the entire toy box or gets into the garbage.

This weekend is Relay for Life. This is my fourth year participating, but my first without Aaron. Last year was my first year being team captain. I was so excited! Got a lot of things accomplished, had a great tent spot, raised around $2,000 for ACS. I did everything I can to make that Relay the best it could be for Aaron knowing it would be his last. It was also great to have his parents here during that time.  This year is completely different. My husband was dieing from cancer so I felt like I needed to have a team this year. I created the team before Aaron passed. That was the easy part. Since then My anxiety about the event has become more and more of an issue. I haven't been to any of the team captain meetings this year. I planned on it, but come the day of the meeting or even hours before, I turn into a shaking crying mess and just can't do it. I did have to go to the last meeting to pick stuff up that we needed for the event and they weren't hanging out any other time. I thought well, knowing that I HAVE to go will at least get me through the door. But that's all it did. I got in, got my stuff, then made the mistake of looking around at other tables. I ended up getting a button to wear that says Relay For Life and I Miss You and has room for a picture of Aaron. That set off the water works. I sat down but just couldn't handle it and had to leave before the meeting started.

Tomorrow is the actual event. I realized that I can't do what I feel like I should be able to do. That is a hard thing for me to admit. I am very independent. As a small kid I always said, "Self do it!". My counselor has been working with me to see that the expectations I put on myself aren't always healthy or in line with what others expect of me and I need to learn to delegate and know that it's ok. I realized that about Relay about 3 weeks ago and turned my team captain roll over to two other team mates. It was a huge weight off and did take some anxiety away. I'm still finding it really hard to be excited though. This year, Relay seems like more of a reminder that Aaron's gone than a reason to raise money to fight cancer. I know when I walk in there I'm going to be completely overwhelmed with memories of the Relay's he was at, views of caregivers, friends and loved ones who still have someone in the fight or someone who had beat cancer and others who have also lost that person. I have yet to make a Luminaria for Aaron. I just can't seem to make myself do it. It's like, by putting his name on that bag makes it so much more real. It's almost like this entire event this year is a giant flashing fluorescent sign screeming "Aaron's Dead". It's much more hard to "choose joy" without Aaron here. But I will take my Xanex and go tomorrow. We'll see how long I make it. The hardest parts once I get there will be the Survivor lap and the Luminaria ceremony/walk. In case you're not familiar with the Luminaria, they are white bags  that people decorate, write on or put pictures on of people who are fighting, cured or passed away from cancer. At night they line the inside and outside of the track, all the lights are turned off and the candles in the bags are lit to form this glowing ring of memories and support. It is very emotional and quiet and beautiful. I highly recommend everyone experience it at least once in their life.

 On the topic of my disability. I think most, if not all of you know that I applied back in December of 2010 because of my severe anxiety and depression. I was denied, the denied on the appeal and have been waiting a year now for a hearing. I finally got a date for my hearing, but it's not till December 11th!! I'd love if you all would pray that my finances will stretch till I get a decision, and that the judgment will be in my favor. I have contemplated several times going back to work or thinking about what I could do after the hearing if I don't get granted the disability. I really have no idea what I would be able to do. I have looked at jobs online and just thinking about them and what the job entails starts to get anxious, cry, feel a panic in my stomach. I've had people say, just relax, or you'll get over it, but unless you have been in the position of feeling completely helpless, out of control, scared and can't see a way out, you have no idea what it's like. When you deal with depression and anxiety at this level, being realistic or logical isn't something that can be grasped at that moment.

Thank you to those who still read my blog, pray for me and give encouragement. I really do appreciate it.